Thursday, September 27, 2012

Missing You

I miss blogging.  I miss getting your comments in my inbox. 
Do you miss me too???

I just miss writing for the sake of it. Writing because there’s something on my mind, or something I’d like to share. However big or small it may be. Whether anyone actually reads it or not. I just miss writing (okay, so I do miss having you all read what I write too!).
The thing is desire has never been an issue. I like to write. No doubt about it.
The problem is time.
Time, or rather a severe lack of it.

Now, I can hear someone, somewhere out there telling me that I should just harden up and get up earlier. I already get up early. Stay up late? Already doing too much of that too. And in between? Well, between the toddler, groceries, cooking, washing, and associated ‘tasks of daily living’ there’s precious little time left for other pursuits. I haven’t been watching much TV. There’s quite frankly very little I like to watch on at present. I do like to watch NCIS when it is running, or Grand Designs. Sometimes a movie – if it doesn’t go till after 11pm though! So it’s not like I can just cull a few hours of telly each week to find time to blog. TV is my winding-down-when-nothing-else-is-working pursuit. Blogging, while relaxing, still engages my mind a little too much for easy repose. And easy repose is something I desperately need! After all, I’ve several years of sleep deprivation to try and catch up on here. (Yeah, right! Like that’s ever going to happen. Sigh. I can at least dream.)
But still, I really miss blogging.

I’ve hardly taken any photos over the past six months. You can tell I haven’t been blogging! And then there’s the downloading. Sometimes it has been weeks and weeks before our photos get downloaded and sorted. So long that I've sometimes forgotten what I've taken pictures of. It’s shocking!

The ‘little project’ I’ve been working on this year is now up and running. That’s not to say there isn’t still quite a bit of work to do on it. There is. But there’s ended up being less writing than I anticipated. Which is a good thing. Really. That means less commitment for me, and more flexibility to fit it around study next year. It means I get about two weeks in each month in which I can build things in my garage, or weed my very messy garden. But I was kind of anticipating that it would ‘fill’ my writers tank a bit more than this. And so I miss my blog (which I knew I would, I just kind of hoped I might get used to it!).

I know that there’s a lot of other things I could do with my time that would probably produce greater yields than blogging does. And yes, yield is important to me. I like to feel like I’ve achieved something worthwhile. I really, really hate feeling that all the hours I just spent doing something ended up being a waste of time. But then blogging doesn’t feel like a waste of time. I enjoy it, so it can’t be that. It just doesn’t seem as ‘productive’ as many of my other puruits. It doesn’t grow us food. It doesn’t help the destitute. And while it does connect me with you, it does so on a very impersonal plane. We might have never met in person. We might not talk this week. Deep down inside, I really prefer personal contact. I love face to face, deep and meaningful. And blogging can’t do that.

But still, I really enjoy it. I think partly because blogging is a way of recording my life. I take photos of my vegetable garden, in all it’s disarray. I share play ideas Munchkin and I have enjoyed. And I share thoughts, sometimes pretty radical ones! I guess my blog is a window on me. A glimpse into the sometimes very varied aspects of who I am and what I do and the crazy things whirling around in my head, vying for attention, desperately wanting to be aired.

So all this said, I miss you.  Don't quite know whether that means I'm back blogging again or not.  I've been thinking of returning for a few weeks now.  Thinking about it.  Thinking while grocery shopping, cleaning houses, driving toy cars with my son, and knitting peggy squares.  And I've been thinking about how I seriously don't have the time.  Yet I still want to come back.  I keep trying to tell myself that I'm too busy.  Then I tell myself that surely I could just pop in from time to time, every now and then, when the writing bug just gets too much.  Me and myself have been having some pretty convincing arguments.  Neither side has the upper hand.  Both are very persuasive.  Both have merit.  I guess we'll all just have to wait and see who wins.

Amy